I had a meltdown at work the other day. The crying, snotty, mascara-running kind that lasted for half an hour. (Maybe less than that…but it felt like half an hour.) It came out of nowhere…one minute, I’m talking to my boss, Jessica, and the next, I’m crying about everything under the sun. Literally. I cried about work, about thinking I’m bad at my job, missing theater, missing performing, not having children (yup), all my friends living far away, the friends that do live here being in couples and me not wanting to bug them every second, not having money, and the list goes on. Every time I’d start to calm down, it’d start again. And guess what? When it was finally, finally over, I felt loads better. Loads. Yes, everyone usually feels better after crying, but I felt better about a lot of things. I think my friendship with Jessica is going to be even stronger after this. (Thanks for being awesome, Jess!) I realized I can teach four classes straight with messy make-up and the world won’t end. (Just kidding…but really though…) And I learned a whole lot about myself, and I didn’t even need a list to do it.
1. I am 26. I’m still young. I’m still a kid. When I was teaching preschool, my co-teacher would always tell me that she would forget how young I was. She’d call me an “old soul” and comment on my maturity and the amount of responsibility I have for my age. I think I’ve been trying so hard to live up to that that I forgot that it’s OK TO BE 26! It’s ok to not be excellent all the time, and it’s ok to have no clue what I’m doing, and it’s ok to ask for help, and it’s ok to eat macaroni and cheese with hot dogs in it, because I’m 26. I’m not perfect. And that’s ok.
2. I learned that I need to do MORE for me, and not the kind of “more” that involves laying on the couch, watching Friends, and eating ice cream. I need to do the things I love, regardless of how exhausted I am after work. I love my job so much, that sometimes, I think that work is what I’m doing for me. But it’s not. So, I’m going to start doing more of that. I just accepted a choreography job at my alma mater to choreograph their winter children’s musical. My level of excitement is somewhere between “pee my pants” and “jump up and down on a couch Tom Cruise-style.” As people have pointed out, yes, it is technically work. But it’s work I’m doing for me…actually doing for me. I can’t wait to get started.
3. So, clearly not being married and not having kids has been on my mind a lot lately, and, I’m pretty sure, it was a big contributor to Sobfest 2013. As luck would have it, my friend, Jessica (different friend from the one above), sent me this article Friday. This summed up almost exactly how I feel…but it also helped me see that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Read it. I promise it’s worth it. It definitely made me feel a lot better.
4. Lastly, my big cry made me realize that I need to be creating my own story, and not letting other people dictate it for me. Basically, if I’m not happy in something, it’s my job to change it. If I don’t want to go on a date, I don’t have to. If I decide that I want to live in a tent in my yard for the next three weeks and everyone thinks it’s a terrible idea, so be it. It’s my life. My story. And I don’t have to apologize for that.
Thank you to all the people who have listened A LOT to me the past few days: Jessica, Jessica, Emily, Elizabeth, Tyler, Tyler, Erica, Ria,and Ashley. Thank you for putting up with the tears, the uncertainty, and general grumpiness. You guys are the best and I don’t know what I’d do without you.
One more thing…the list. I got to talk to Ria for the first time in, oh, forever, on Tuesday and it should be making its appearance very soon. 🙂